3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
