I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
