Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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