Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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