i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
