The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
