Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
