She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
