I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
