I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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