I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
