I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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