p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
