omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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