i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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