a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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