I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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