They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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