It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
