all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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