Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
