Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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