I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
