i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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