Already got asked if we're dating
he thought i was a dude.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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