No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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