I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How does it feel to date your dad?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize