It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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