oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
