Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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