God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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