Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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