I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
