I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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