I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
40s are totally the cure
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
