Banned from zoo.
Again?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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