do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
