I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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