I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
