I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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