hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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