Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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