I wanna bring you to show and tell
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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