Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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