All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
