so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
