Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
