wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
