Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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