I hate your face
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
