I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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