I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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