They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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