My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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