I skipped work to stalk him.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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