hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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